Sunday, January 02, 2005

Operation Destroy Rat-Dog...

(Let it be said that I love dogs. But there's a catch to that statement. I love dogs that don't double as rats.)

A nuisance has moved in downstairs. It's name is Buffy. It is a pomeranian, which means it looks like a fat rat with a haircut. It can't weigh more than 10lbs and its barks sound like squeaks. Now, I generally dislike all ratty little dogs with a passion (the sole exception being Sara's little Boomer), but there's something to this dog that makes me dislike it even more:

  1. For starters, it's a male dog, and it's name is Buffy. This dog is obviously gay. Flamingly gay. Say what you will about if things are born gay or they become gay, no matter how it happens, this dog would rather shop than watch football.
  2. The previous owner was this old woman, who, when she died, gave her daughter the sole task of making sure Buffy was taken care of (let's not get into how I know all mother is a chatty woman). I know how older people can get attatched to animals, it's a fact of life. They want something to keep themselves occupied, something they can take care of. That doesn't make it any less stupid. So, the mother and son who live downstairs volunteered to take care of this 10lb. rat, but before they were allowed to, the son had to come spend the night at the daughter's house to see how to take care of and bathe this thing. And then they had to have Buffy over to the apartment for a few hours to see if Buffy was "comfortable." A frickin' rat.
  3. It's presence makes Molly ticked off. She barks now. She can't stand this intrusion into her domain of our apartment building. She is one angry half-Chow dog. Who weighs about 5 times what the rat weighs.

This brings me to my next point. I am going to use Molly to, uh, rid ourselves of this problem. Everyone will be happier, believe me. Scott and Linda, I know you're probably growing attached to this dog. That's too bad, and after you're done grieving for this little creature, buy yourselves a more substantial a collie or something. Anyways, would it be my fault if Molly somehow got loose from her leash when Buffy was out for a walk, somehow hadn't been fed for a day or two so she was really hungry, somehow had been shown pictures of this dog covered with doggy treats, and somehow killed it? Would I really be at fault here? I mean, it's about the same size as a squirel, it's completely within the realm of possibility that should could mistake Buffy for one.

And there we go, Operation Destroy Rat Dog.

I know this probably sounds crazy, and yes, it is. Will it ever be put into action? No, so don't worry. But I still don't like that rat and I won't shed a tear if it drowns in the rain.


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